Nice Is Not Enough by C. J. Pascoe;

Author:C. J. Pascoe;
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780520276437
Publisher: University of California Press

I Never Want to Be a Bully

If these young women don’t feel comfortable going to the school administration, how do they deal with the mundane misogyny to which they are subject? Not surprisingly, they tend to draw on logics of kindness and anti-bullying language in an attempt to set boundaries around harassment, violence, and sexism. That is, these young women try to respond to and prevent harassment while at the same time avoiding being mean to the boys who are treating them badly.

Natasha’s story about trying to manage dating violence this way stuck with me long after our conversation. Natasha, whose pictures had been posted on the internet without her consent, told me this story about a boy she briefly dated and what happened when she set boundaries with him, deploying the sort of “your body your choice” boundaries girls had been encouraged to set in the Erin’s Law assembly. She shook her head, laughing a little as she began the story: “So, this is a whole story. You want to hear this? It’s so ridiculous. Please put this in your book. It’s the worst.” Like some other young folks with whom I spoke, Natasha encouraged me to put what she told me in the book in the hopes that it could make lives better for other teens.

Over warm drinks at a local coffee shop, Natasha told me, “We went on a date to a movie. Evan picked me up from my friend’s party, and we went to the movies together. My personality is kind of energetic. I mean, some would call it annoying. Bubbly?” she said, laughing easily, demonstrating the bubbliness to which she referred. “I was talking with him. I was flirting with him.” She followed this with a slight qualifier, saying, “It shouldn’t matter,” whether or not she was flirting. However, the date took a turn once they were in the movie theater. “He kissed me, and then he like”—she paused here, then continued, “this is gross, he choked me. Tried to be kinky about it, too.” Shaking her head again, Natasha said, “He kept whispering things in my ear and being super-gross. Referring to himself as like ‘daddy.’ Super-gross.” When they left the movie theater and got in his car, “he tried to kiss me again.” She described what happened next as “one of the situations in my life where I completely regretted what I did. I kind of just would just push it away. But it was a weird situation, because I thought he was cute. But I thought, ‘This is over the top.’ So, I kind of just tried to push it away.” Natasha seemed uncomfortable at this point and did not elaborate on exactly what “it” was or how she pushed “it” away. She made it clear, however, that she was uncomfortable with what happened and was a little frustrated with herself for not setting firmer limits with Evan. Natasha went so far as to blame herself a little for that evening, “I should have been more against it, and stopped it from getting anywhere.

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